Monday, January 30, 2012
When you feel down, look above into the heavens :)
I know you get annoyed. I know you are irritated. I know that every part of you detests how the other person live in self denial and utter absurdity. Look on the bright side, you are humble and beautiful inside and out. People aren't compassionate. They are materialistic and play favoritism whenever they detect a little tinge of benefit. Never let yourself drown in their materialistic world. For you may get hurt and bruised. Be you. I have seen the best and worst of you and i appreciate that kind of honesty. Don't lose yourself. Stay true and honest. God smiles upon the righteous and true. You know that, don't you?
Bustling thoughts at 12 am
I have thrown out things that made me a part of society. I realize that people change. Why change when you can still be yourself? In my opinion, some change for the better and some forget their virtues. Why can't we remain unchanged and be good no matter what. Why allow situations get the best of you? Isn't that why we have brains, to differentiate and to decide.
Worth waiting
Will it be worth it? All we ever do is wait for each other. You are patient and I am just learning how to. I learn to have faith and you learn that handling me isn't the easiest job to do. I couldn't have asked for more than you. To me. You are perfect. Don't change.
On that line
Pardon me sir, I have no means of hurting you. It was not on purpose. All I said was words for you to realize the damage done is irreversible. What else could be said? There isn't anything that could be done to rectify it. You are as corrupted as them. Spreading the wrong and covering up the truth. You are pretty darn good at that, aren't you? And you let yourself condemn those you have done nothing wrong. I have nothing else to prove. I am just a better human than you are.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Being 21
Morning. Dewy. Misty. She awakens from her deep slumber before anyone else in the house. Washes up and puts on her favourite jumper. She sighs as she looks out of the window. She thinks to herself, 21 is just a number. Tracing her steps through the garden, she imagined tall hedges forming mazes on the very ground she stood on. Like in those movies where the princess would run through the mazes to find that running away isn't a solution and just being honest about everything she felt was the best decision. If only reality was easier to deal with it. Overthinking leads to doing nothing, she sighs. As she walks around the garden breathing in the sweet dewy air. For the past twenty years of her life have proven to her that obedience and a passive attidude didn't bring her much happiness. She is the filial child, the nice one, the very honest, the wisest amongst her siblings. Tiring, isn't it? To be the one that has to follow every rule and be punished for every minor mistake. This is her and she will always be the one to lose and give in.
"Layla!!!!! Where are you?" her mum calls from inside the house.
"Coming, mum!" she breaks away from deep thoughts and runs in. "Yes, mum?"
"Layla, happy birthday! It's your birthday! Your 21st! What would you like to do today" her mum smiles warmly.
"Just be with family and celebrate"
"Well?? Anything else??"
"Nothing. Being with with family is enough for me"
Her mum smiles, shrugs and walks to the kitchen to the prepare for the celebration. She watches her mum and walks upstairs to her room. Showers and suits up her in her best attire of the day. Spending time at home with family. Running around and chasing each other. 21 is just a number not a reason for someone to forget how have fun. 21 is her age and she is learning. Laughters and jokes were told. The surrounding enlightened her very much. Family. For her family, she puts up a strong shoulder and walks with pride. The day ended on a very happy note whereby everyone was full from dinner and jokes. Even when everyone was about to retire to their rooms, they were still munching, grubbing and laughing. It was her family. Arguments were just arguments. She is still figuring out how she could be how they wanted her to be. Over the years, she had suffered depression and anxiety. Yes, her family was worried but disappointed. As soon as her treatments were over, she swore to never burden her family with her pain and sorrow. She was only 16. From that day on, she smiled and faked everything. She does all that fakeness sincerely just so that her parents would be smile and not be disappointed.
"Mum, i'm going out with my friends. I don't really know when i'll be back' Layla tells her mum the next night.
"Alright Layla. Just don't go around mixing with bad company and make love freely like rabbits" her mum scowls.
"MAAAAAA, rabbits? Seriously?? "
"Just a saying. Have fun but not too much. Happy 21st, dear. I am very proud of you." said her mum as she kisses Layla's forehead.
As Layla walks out. She breathes in deep the air. Freedom. She has decided to let all pain out and dream the impossible. With someone she hold so dearly. There he is waiting in the car. She walks to the car and smiles to herself. She sits comfortably in the passenger seat. He smiled. Everytime he does it, she feels warm and everything else.
"So are you going to sit there quietly and watch me drive?" he asks while driving.
"Yeap" she answers.
"Usually you would have alot to say"
"Not tonight" she smiles slyly.
"Well, i find it weird when there is quietness between us"
"I know"
"OHHHHH-kayyyyy, i am going to shut up and drive"
After 20 minutes of total silence, they arrived at the hillside where it was quiet. The stars were clear and sparkling beautifully up in the heavens. He hugs at her waist and whispers, happy 21st birthday, dear. She gets out of his arms and put on a song on her phone. She places the phone on the ground. She returns to him and starts moving like in those movies, where the couple would slow dance to a song that meant something to them.
"Thank you for everything" she said
"Hey, you shouldn't be thanking me for anything."
"I know I am not perfect. I don't own the preetiest face. I am messy. I am so clumsy. Naive and stupid. I am always depressed. I cry all the time. I sulk. I complain. I panic. I never dress up well. I always wanted to be the girl of your dreams. Perfect and all. I know you like me as i am but i just want to be everything. It hurts when people don't try to accept me as who i am. I am tired of defending myself. Faking it all. Trying and trying and never going to be good enough. It's like everything i do is not good or the best. I am tired of striving and working hard and not getting any praise for the effort i put in. I hate it when people hurt me when all i did for them was fulfilling their wishes. Sometimes i wish i wasn't born."
"If you weren't born, we wouldn't have met and i wouldn't have met someone i cared so much about. I love you. There is a reson why you are here. You have me now."
"What if you go? I need you. You're the only one that had ever heard me. Don't go." as she buries her head into his shoulder.
"Have faith" he holds her head and stares into her eyes "Have faith and i'll stay as long as possible. I won't promise because having faith is stronger than a promise. I will always be here."
"Ok" she sobs.
"When you started talking, i was like thank goddddd my girl is not mute"
"Oh, come on!" she laughs "Must you make jokes like that in a situation where i am sad and sorrowful?"
"I'd rather see you smile and be yourself. The 'talkative' you." He pulls her close and kisses her.
I turn 21 today. Life as i know it is changing. I blew my candles the other day and made a wish. I wished to witness a miracle. God's miracle. God has given plenty to appreciate life and i do. I am learning. Still trying. Still growing. Still immature. Whatever life throws at me, i'm going to stand strong and smile. Because in the end, sometimes somethings are woth waiting for. Have faith when all hope is lost. I believe and i have faith.
21 is just a number not a determinant of how a person should act according to age. It is your attitude towards life and your surrounding.
"Layla!!!!! Where are you?" her mum calls from inside the house.
"Coming, mum!" she breaks away from deep thoughts and runs in. "Yes, mum?"
"Layla, happy birthday! It's your birthday! Your 21st! What would you like to do today" her mum smiles warmly.
"Just be with family and celebrate"
"Well?? Anything else??"
"Nothing. Being with with family is enough for me"
Her mum smiles, shrugs and walks to the kitchen to the prepare for the celebration. She watches her mum and walks upstairs to her room. Showers and suits up her in her best attire of the day. Spending time at home with family. Running around and chasing each other. 21 is just a number not a reason for someone to forget how have fun. 21 is her age and she is learning. Laughters and jokes were told. The surrounding enlightened her very much. Family. For her family, she puts up a strong shoulder and walks with pride. The day ended on a very happy note whereby everyone was full from dinner and jokes. Even when everyone was about to retire to their rooms, they were still munching, grubbing and laughing. It was her family. Arguments were just arguments. She is still figuring out how she could be how they wanted her to be. Over the years, she had suffered depression and anxiety. Yes, her family was worried but disappointed. As soon as her treatments were over, she swore to never burden her family with her pain and sorrow. She was only 16. From that day on, she smiled and faked everything. She does all that fakeness sincerely just so that her parents would be smile and not be disappointed.
"Mum, i'm going out with my friends. I don't really know when i'll be back' Layla tells her mum the next night.
"Alright Layla. Just don't go around mixing with bad company and make love freely like rabbits" her mum scowls.
"MAAAAAA, rabbits? Seriously?? "
"Just a saying. Have fun but not too much. Happy 21st, dear. I am very proud of you." said her mum as she kisses Layla's forehead.
As Layla walks out. She breathes in deep the air. Freedom. She has decided to let all pain out and dream the impossible. With someone she hold so dearly. There he is waiting in the car. She walks to the car and smiles to herself. She sits comfortably in the passenger seat. He smiled. Everytime he does it, she feels warm and everything else.
"So are you going to sit there quietly and watch me drive?" he asks while driving.
"Yeap" she answers.
"Usually you would have alot to say"
"Not tonight" she smiles slyly.
"Well, i find it weird when there is quietness between us"
"I know"
"OHHHHH-kayyyyy, i am going to shut up and drive"
After 20 minutes of total silence, they arrived at the hillside where it was quiet. The stars were clear and sparkling beautifully up in the heavens. He hugs at her waist and whispers, happy 21st birthday, dear. She gets out of his arms and put on a song on her phone. She places the phone on the ground. She returns to him and starts moving like in those movies, where the couple would slow dance to a song that meant something to them.
"Thank you for everything" she said
"Hey, you shouldn't be thanking me for anything."
"I know I am not perfect. I don't own the preetiest face. I am messy. I am so clumsy. Naive and stupid. I am always depressed. I cry all the time. I sulk. I complain. I panic. I never dress up well. I always wanted to be the girl of your dreams. Perfect and all. I know you like me as i am but i just want to be everything. It hurts when people don't try to accept me as who i am. I am tired of defending myself. Faking it all. Trying and trying and never going to be good enough. It's like everything i do is not good or the best. I am tired of striving and working hard and not getting any praise for the effort i put in. I hate it when people hurt me when all i did for them was fulfilling their wishes. Sometimes i wish i wasn't born."
"If you weren't born, we wouldn't have met and i wouldn't have met someone i cared so much about. I love you. There is a reson why you are here. You have me now."
"What if you go? I need you. You're the only one that had ever heard me. Don't go." as she buries her head into his shoulder.
"Have faith" he holds her head and stares into her eyes "Have faith and i'll stay as long as possible. I won't promise because having faith is stronger than a promise. I will always be here."
"Ok" she sobs.
"When you started talking, i was like thank goddddd my girl is not mute"
"Oh, come on!" she laughs "Must you make jokes like that in a situation where i am sad and sorrowful?"
"I'd rather see you smile and be yourself. The 'talkative' you." He pulls her close and kisses her.
I turn 21 today. Life as i know it is changing. I blew my candles the other day and made a wish. I wished to witness a miracle. God's miracle. God has given plenty to appreciate life and i do. I am learning. Still trying. Still growing. Still immature. Whatever life throws at me, i'm going to stand strong and smile. Because in the end, sometimes somethings are woth waiting for. Have faith when all hope is lost. I believe and i have faith.
21 is just a number not a determinant of how a person should act according to age. It is your attitude towards life and your surrounding.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
oh lord, it is a new year again *sighs*
oh lord, whattttttttt.. not another bad news *gulps*
oh lord, is that what i think it is?? *frowns*
oh lord, not again *pouts*
oh lord, why do rotten fruits exist? *throws hands up in the air*
oh lord, not another terrible incident *smacks head on the wall*
oh lord, MY PANTS TORE IN THE MIDDLE AND I DID NOT WEAR PANTIES!
oh lord........
As i awake from my slumber at around midday, i realised it was a new year. I didn't celebrate nor did I toast to a new year. I didn't even care what day or date it was. I just went with the flow and found myself laying in stinking memories past. Just another day. The days still go on. The dilemmas still move on with you. Things forgotten and purposely lost in the fire will soon eventually catch up. Continuously running away doesn't get you any where. Facing and solving whatever fear and notions will heal the pain (just for a moment) but not the scar. The scar stays and looking at it reminds us of the pain once again.
oh lord, whattttttttt.. not another bad news *gulps*
oh lord, is that what i think it is?? *frowns*
oh lord, not again *pouts*
oh lord, why do rotten fruits exist? *throws hands up in the air*
oh lord, not another terrible incident *smacks head on the wall*
oh lord, MY PANTS TORE IN THE MIDDLE AND I DID NOT WEAR PANTIES!
oh lord........
As i awake from my slumber at around midday, i realised it was a new year. I didn't celebrate nor did I toast to a new year. I didn't even care what day or date it was. I just went with the flow and found myself laying in stinking memories past. Just another day. The days still go on. The dilemmas still move on with you. Things forgotten and purposely lost in the fire will soon eventually catch up. Continuously running away doesn't get you any where. Facing and solving whatever fear and notions will heal the pain (just for a moment) but not the scar. The scar stays and looking at it reminds us of the pain once again.
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